May132010
Cuckoo Cocoon
Filed under School by Kim at 10:11 pm on May 13 2010
I really thought that when my time of employment ended, I would be a blogging maniac.
I thought I would be endlessly analyzing in writing what I am going through right now.
I thought I would, and could not wait to, lead my friends in a public dialogue about my shit because I felt like I needed to air it.
Then I woke up the first Monday of my freedom and any and all urge to do that just dissipated like your favorite perfume on a sweaty day. And that was almost a month ago. Almost a month ago! I cannot believe it.
I thought I might take some kind of spiritual journey. Or regular journey. I thought I might clean the house from top to bottom. I thought I might revolutionize my diet or exercise. I haven’t really done any of those things. I have puttered, and read, and drank, and visited. I have even run, and lifted; I have not been to the gym quite five days a week like I thought I would. I have an almost perfectly prepped home office ready for studying.
Today I went through my drug screening. That was the last thing to clear me for clinical placement. So I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do to be able to work in a hospital as a student. This time next month, that will be happening. The thing about the unknown is that even if you are like me, and try to prepare for every possible lurking secret difficulty, every twist, you just can’t know. You can try and try, and I sure do, but it will not happen until you get there. You would think that realizing that would allow me to unclench my ass cheeks a little. One thing that does work when I start to get a little scared: I just imagine sitting in any cubicle I have sat in during the past ten years. That sets me straight every time.
I’ve been hungering mostly for real-live in-person connection. I want to see people and hug them and have meandering conversations with them. I also want to be still in my mind. I want to be fluid and not rigid, not have my figurative knees locked when the big wave of nursing school that’s so much taller than me sweeps over.
Over and over people keep saying, “thirteen months! that will be over before you know it!” but in this few weeks of calm before the storm, and in the past few years I’ve spent working towards that, these weeks and the thirteen months that follow it stretch on to an infinite distance the end of which I cannot possibly see.
Anyways, I hate gravitas, so here’s a funny story: Jack comes over to me while I’m on the couch eating bonbons and watching Criminal Minds reruns (because I fancy Reid so much) and gets down on one knee and says, “Kim, will you affidavit me?” To which, of course, I answered, “Yes! Yes, I will affidavit you!” And then not a week later, I was on his health insurance. Isn’t that beautiful? I suppose it kind of is, because every day I am amazed and grateful at this thing he’s doing for me.
God damn it gravitas! Get back out of my post. Yech. Here’s the song I named this post for, in an excellent cover form.
1 Christineon 14 May 2010 at 6:20 am
Congrats on your affidavit-ing!
“Over and over people keep saying, “thirteen months! that will be over before you know it!” but in this few weeks of calm before the storm, and in the past few years I’ve spent working towards that, these weeks and the thirteen months that follow it stretch on to an infinite distance the end of which I cannot possibly see.”
Yep. Okay, so I kept hearing 9 (8..7..6..5..I’m at <4 now?!?) months, but change the numbers and I know exactly what you mean!
Years and years ago, my gramma bought grampa this little wooden plaque with a sailboat painted on it. Under the sailboat read: take time. It hung in the breakfast nook when I was growing up, and it was just a part of the scenery of the house – something that was there, but you never really noticed because it fit comfortably with everything else. Grampa, who always loved the water but didn't have a sailboat because gramma got seasick, bought one about a year after she passed away. He put the plaque in the boat and every time I glance at it, he tells me that little story about it, about how he never really noticed it before, but now that he has, it's like this little perfect gift from her, and he's taking it as a reminder from her to take time.
So, um, yeah. Another spoonful of gravitas for you, which you were trying to avoid, but… well, sorry about that. =)
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
Aww, that is a wonderfully sweet story about your grampa. I love it.
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2 Rachelon 14 May 2010 at 6:49 am
I kind of understand the “inactivity”. I thought I’d get so much more done in my writing and getting our lives organized during recovery this time around – especially the second week once I was past painkillers. Ha!
Sounds like pure madness is ahead with your 13-month program. Enjoy the calm before the storm.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
Yeah, recovery time is for just that! I know I would never let myself think that way either.
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3 Moiraon 14 May 2010 at 7:39 am
I think the health insurance thing is romantic.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
It was pretty adorable when it happened.
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4 girlvaughnon 14 May 2010 at 10:51 am
awww, congrats on your affadavit and for having someone so supportive. It really does make a difference.
” I have puttered, and read, and drank, and visited. I have even run, and lifted”
I don’t know, to me this, plus the bon bons, sounds like a perfect way to spend the last few weeks before you start your next 13 months.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
Yeah. I give myself a hard time about getting some things done but mostly I started out saying that I need to just let it flow.
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5 Meganon 14 May 2010 at 3:23 pm
I always decide I’m going to fix my life when I have a break – like right now. I just ended my semester, so I should be fixing the rest of my life any second now. I never do. Instead I just kind of live my life at a normal pace for awhile, feel guilty for not getting more shit done and wonder where the time has gone. Sounds to me like you are right on schedule. Congratulations on your co-mingled health care.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
I am working on not letting the guilt happen but I am not always successful. But I will keep trying! Thanks.
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6 Lorion 14 May 2010 at 3:35 pm
Congrats on your affadaviting. Come visit us sometime or let us set up a meeting. But you keep coming to events within 10-20 minutes of our house so it seems just as easy for you to let us know when you’ll be around.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
That’s the thing! If I am out there for an event that usually means I don’t have time for side trips! I have gotten more used to driving that far though.
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7 Mariaon 14 May 2010 at 4:16 pm
Hooray for affidavit-ing! Also, if there’s still time for a round of The Monkees, that could be something else to scratch off your to-do list. Sounds like you’ve got enough stuff done, though. Taking a break is important.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
I am definitely still up for some Monkees. If the VCR still works… since they are only on VHS tapes….. 😮 When are you free?
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Maria Reply:
May 16th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Hrm, in the next week, all my evenings look relatively free, except possibly Saturday and Sunday. I also have some episodes on a VHS tape but not sure which ones, and a backup VCR I could bring which I’m also not sure still works, heh. Anyway, email me in case I forget to check back here.
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8 Terryon 14 May 2010 at 4:42 pm
Thanks for using our video/cover. It was filmed in Finland where my good friend (“darshan1” on YT) lives – I know that he will be pleased that you enjoyed it too.
I also just took a break from employment and recognize much of what you wrote there. In the end it’s not so much about getting things sorted out/done/changed.. that’s just the hamster wheel spinning itself down… takes a month or two to finally stop
Then you can enjoy the Cocoon properly!
Stay in touch…
Terry
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Thanks for stopping and reading the post! I did really enjoy your version of the song and the video fits the tone of it. I guess you guys must be reasonably big Genesis fans as I see there are some other covers which I will definitely check out.
Great work, keep it up.
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9 CSueon 14 May 2010 at 6:04 pm
I know what you mean. On a smaller scale, of course, but with one day off per week (whee, mini-weekend Wednesdays) I sure thought I’d be getting a lot more done than I have been!
But sometimes you just gotta CHILL.
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Kim Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Yeah. My class schedule will mean that I have Tuesdays completely free, though my understanding is that I will spend a LOT of time outside of class working. We’ll see.
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10 Bethon 23 May 2010 at 11:14 am
I had this month ‘off’ (from school, not work) and I had similar thoughts about habits, diet, exercise, catching up, etc. I haven’t and I feel a bit bad about it, so thank you for the accepting of it – makes it easier somehow. School starts in another two weeks….
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