Jul302009
I Am Going on an Apology Fast
Filed under Self by Kim at 2:30 pm on Jul 30 2009
At one point last weekend during dinner I said:
“I don’t want to be too high-maintenance [for the waiter] by replacing salmon with tuna.”
And Megan said two of the potentially most productive words in the english language to me:
“Shut up.”
It wasn’t rude. It was friendly. It was a favor.
All weekend I apologized for things – getting in the buffet line, entering a conversation, maybe sitting at the wrong table at breakfast. Some things were perhaps apology-worthy. Some were definitely not.
Then at some point deep into the weekend I apologized to Genie for the fact that she left her key in her room. Yes, that is right, I reflexively apologized to her for something she did.
At that point I had a minor meltdown and that was it. I was on leave from apologizing for the rest of the weekend. Now, I’m sure I superfluously said “I’m sorry” a few more times… OK many more times… but it’s just like quitting many bad habits. Sometimes it doesn’t work the first time.
With Girls Rock! DC coming up I have got to get a handle on the gratuitous apologies. One of the first things we teach the girls is that if they spend their entire band practices apologizing to each other for their ideas, for screwing up a part, or for trying, they will not get anything done.
When I went to Ladies Rock Camp in Portland, they taught all the women this too. We banned “I’m sorry” from songwriting, practice, and rehearsal. You would not believe how much time this freed up every time someone said “Shut up. You do not need to apologize. We’re moving on!” We got our time back to be creative, freedom to think and act.
So! If I apologize to you and you think it’s unwarranted, I hereby give you permission to do like Megan did and tell me to shut right up.
And this is my first notice: if you’re local to DC, get some tickets to the Girls Rock showcase! Do it now! It’s pretty muchunforgettable and awesome in every way. It’s at the 9:30 club, it’s early, and it’s only $10. (Or more if you donate along with your ticket price! Which is an option!)
1 Corion 30 Jul 2009 at 2:40 pm
You’re practically Canadian!
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Kim Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Just without the being able to handle the cold part.
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2 Abigailon 30 Jul 2009 at 3:25 pm
I once had customers tell me, back when I was Sales!Girl, “stop apologizing so much! You sound co-dependent!”
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Kim Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Yes, my penchant for apologizing could not possibly have anything to do with my penchant for co-dependence!
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3 Rachelon 30 Jul 2009 at 7:00 pm
I could use an apology fast myself. I do it all the time at work for no good reason.
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Kim Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Even just being aware of it helps, I think.
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4 Maryon 30 Jul 2009 at 7:34 pm
Oh, this is a great idea! When I was a kid, all my girl friends would say, “I’m sorry but… ” before expressing an opinion of any kind. On the other hand, the boys we grew up with seemed to see their opinions as facts and never apologized for expressing them. Weird, huh? Well, you have my support!
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Kim Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I was totally going to say something about women being socialized to apologize for themselves, but then I was like, god it’s all so obvious.
There is no question that apologies are soooo important when warranted, but so often I do it for other reasons.
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5 Rock and Roll Mamaon 30 Jul 2009 at 7:35 pm
Megan is magic like that.:) it was SO GREAT to meet you at the party, and Megan told me on the plane on the way hone about your Girls Rock! DC involvement. That’s AWESOME! I had a screening of Girls Rock! At the Avalon last winter and donated the proceeds to the dc camp. (go Ziska!!!) isn’t it a little tiny world? You ROCK, and should never ever apologize (unless you kicked some butt.) nope, not even then!!!:)
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Kim Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I totally wanted to go to that screening but I think something for school got in the way!! Dangit!
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6 weson 31 Jul 2009 at 7:02 am
My daughter (then 6) and I had a great time at the Girls Rock! concert last year. I’m hoping we can make it again this year!!
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7 Jenon 31 Jul 2009 at 8:12 am
An apology “fast” sounds like a really fantastic idea. I may just steal it from you, but I promise to give you credit! =)
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8 Maureenon 31 Jul 2009 at 4:51 pm
One of our mutual friends forbade me from saying “I’m sorry” at his house. He demanded it be replaced by “Fuck you.”
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9 Meganon 01 Aug 2009 at 3:18 pm
I’m sorry I told you to “shut up,” Kim
Oh, wait. Crap. I just negated the point of your post. Damn. I’m sorry I said I’m sorry. Oops. I just did it again. Sorr…..uh……
I’ve had to learn not to apologize while sparring in kickboxing. It’s hard. If I get a shot in (meaning I manage to actually hit someone in the head – which, btw, is what I’m supposed to be doing) I reflexively say, “Oh, Sorry!” My instructor, Nick the MMA fighter, says “No saying “sorry” in sparring. If you hit them, it’s their fault.” So the very next time I get a hit in I say, “Sorry!” and then I remember I’m not supposed to say “sorry,” so I say, “Oh! Sorry for saying sorry.” And Nick fusses at me again and I say, “sorrysorrysorry.” It’s such a hard habit to break. What’s interesting is none of the men say “sorry” when sparring. If they get a hit in, they might say “Are you OK?”, but never “sorry.” The women, though, it’s all we do. I hit her. Sorry. She hits me. Sorry, sorry. I think Nick is going to kill us.
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10 Lorion 03 Aug 2009 at 9:23 am
I have had people complain that I “apologize” too much. And also for things I have no control of. eg – Genie leaving her room key elsewhere. I get irked when they tell me not to say, “Sorry.”
I think its sad that people don’t get its not an “apology”. Its a sympathetic courtesy. Same as saying “Bless you.” when someone blows their nose. It is a polite social convention to say, “Oh, I’m sorry.” when someone shares some type of bad news. Or telling a customer/boss/etc. “I’ll make sure to look into it.” Would Genie have prefered you saying – “Sucks to be you?” or something else derogatory?
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